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Letter to the one that holds my heart.

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I’m going to be posting a video shortly about the ENTIRE story behind the custody battle I’ve been in for the last 11ish years for the first time publicly. There’s a lot going on right now, but for this post, what’s necessary to know is that I voluntarily enrolled in the Motherhood Program- a 12 week long course that only had one assignment which was to write a letter to your mother at the end. I was part of the 4th graduating class out of this county, and I learned more about myself than I could have ever guessed. I decided to also write a letter to my daughter, which is what you’re about to read. And when I do upload the video I mentioned, a lot of this letter will hit different. Hey baby girl, So for my mothering group, I had an assignment where I had to write Grandma a letter. But after that, it only felt right to write you a little one, too. I know you’ve probably heard it a bunch of times from my mouth but I’m saying it again - you are my miracle, my one and only love until the e
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Do You Ever Wonder What You Think About Right Before Death?

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  Apparently, this is an example of what my brain thinks of… and that’s all I’m going to say about that.  What is The Root of All Evil? I used to think it was money, like the majority say but…ultimately, I think true  evil comes from greed …  envy. “ You  have something better than me  and I want it.” Deception. One question I will never understand is why we all  feel the need to lie when we don’t have to. When our lives aren’t in danger, when we aren’t protecting anyone including ourselves by not telling the truth… at that point, I suppose the question should really become Why do we all want  to lie? I’m not exempt from this strange phenomenon and I have yet to meet a single human being that is. It’s just so weird to me when I really sit and try to process it in my head. I know humans as a whole aren’t always the brightest, especially when it comes to emotional awareness/intelligence, but what could we even be tricking ourselves into thinking we’re gaining in those moments?… I honestl
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Guess Who’s Back……

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 I know, I know…. I am infamous for starting all these projects and then leaving them abandoned just to move on to the next one. Trust me, I drive myself insane. But there isn’t enough time in the world to catch up on this blog about everything in my life that has happened since I last posted. I do plan on keeping back up with this though…I definitely have enough content already that I just never posted, but I also am trying to make something happen for myself, so there will (hopefully) be plenty of new content to post as well.  Writing has always been so cathartic and helpful for me, and that was originally the motivation to make this in the first place. But now I’ve expanded into letting other people who are interested take a look into some of the more private aspects of this journey that I’m on. I hope my struggles, my pain, and my willingness to share it all with you might help somebody out there that is feeling alone. I promise you, you’re not alone.  So for now, I think the best
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This One's For You, Part 2.

  Things have been really tough lately and I would do anything to make you feel better. But all I can realistically do at this point is offer you my love and support. You have my heart, completely and eternally. You have my eyes to help guide you through the darkness. You have my ears, to listen to you with all my attention whenever you may need it. You have my mouth, to always speak nothing but truth and to remind you of how much I love you. You have my hands, to hold yours when you're not feeling your strongest and to remind you that you are never alone. This is just something letting you know that I'm here, waiting for you. I want you by my side forever. I want to be your wife. I want to build a life with you. I want us to be this family. So whenever you're ready, just find your way back HOME. I love you.
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Sleeping Sickness.

  I've always thought sleeping was a weird thing by itself. Probably because ever since I can remember I've had extremely detailed and vivid dreams that I could remember perfectly when I woke up. I started keeping a dream journal of sorts at a fairly young age and pretty soon I realized there was a few common qualities they all shared - people I cared about the most tended to be in them with me, usually in places I had never seen before in real life, and there was always this underlying feeling of anxiety, fear, just something unsettling. A lot of the time they were full on "night terrors"- I don't really remember those though...I just know what my mom told me and that's that I used to wake up screaming and crying, standing up in my crib almost every night. But as I got older, I tried to make sense of a lot of the not so scary ones and sometimes I could connect them to my waking life, but a lot of the time it just seemed to make no sense at all. As a teenager,
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**ASTROLOGY POST** Everything You've Always Wondered About Your "Birth Chart"

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        I think that at one point or another, we have all been browsing the web and out of pure curiosity, clicked on that link that promises to tell us EVERYTHING about ourselves using our Zodiac sign and the like. Now, there are absolutely websites/blogs out there that are utilizing the right information the right way and  can produce a Natal Chart (also known as a Birth Chart) for you that most likely had way more information than you expected, and was probably more than a little confusing to interpret. Real Natal Charts are complicated to read, and even though one can gather a lot of good information just using a Chart generator online, you really need the help of a professional to assist you in interpreting ALL the facets of your chart.      Humans have tracked the movement of the heavens since civilization dawned. As far back as 6000 B.C. the Sumerians noted the journey of planets and stars. Around 3300 B.C. the Babylonians (aka the Chaldeans) began expanding upon what the Sumeri
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Stevie.

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  Old navy fleece will forever make me think of you and the first time we really got to know each other. I honestly love that something that ridiculous is what our first real "memory/inside joke" was. We were in Hyannis, sitting on a hotel bed with Cat in someone's random room and Cat and I were talking pretty much fully in our inside jokes (like we usually did) and you were apparently feeling left out and confused and all I can see still is you leaning your face wicked close into mine because you were sitting across from me, looking me dead in the eyes and yelling, "Old Navy Fleece!!" and Cat and I lost it all over again and you were like, "NOTHING you guys are saying right now makes any sense, what the FUCK are we talking about?!?"  You always made time to ask me about Soloe every time we talked....and you have the honor of being the only person (kind of) other than me to make it into all the bullshit court paperwork over the years. Although that bec
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Viva La Mexico

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  Ever since I found out that I was like 75% Native American/Indigenous, I have done even more research and dug even deeper than I already was into the Indigenous culture(s) that exist in Mexico...or I should say existED in Mexico. Unlike the United States where there are Federally recognized tribes, Mexico does not operate like that. Different peoples derive from different tribes and some still refer to themselves as part of one of those specific tribes, but most are a mix, or unaware of their own ancestral history. We can break it down really generally into three main ancient civilizations/Indigenous tribes that most people derive from: the Mayans, the Aztecs, and the Incans. The history of those three tribes alone needs to be a whole post in itself, but they were all revolutionary and made their own marks in history. Personally, the area where my family and most recent ancestors are from was Aztec land (Mexico City and surrounding areas). I have always been intrigued by the Aztec pe
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Native American/Indigenous Shamans

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      A shaman is someone who has always been drawn to nature, who naturally hears the whispers of Spirit through the breeze, who welcomes the rains, glorifies in the heat of the sun and connects with the nourishment of the earth. A Shaman embraces each season, rejoices at every new bud during the first stirrings of spring, the harvest abundance that summer supplies, the falling leaves of autumn and the deep dark mystery that accompanies the winter months. The Shamans heart sings at the mere notion of the workings of Spirit, has an affinity with the ways of natural healing and believes in another world of mystical beings. The Shaman is able to connect naturally with this "other world", perceiving the spirits that are all around, in all that is alive. This is the belief system of Shamanism, for it is not a religion, but a world of freedom, magic and connection with the natural world, and that of Spirit. Our ancestors, and other indigenous peoples, lived their lives trusting in
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Some Random Writing on My 1st Time at Detox...

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  At this point, I’ve honestly lost count of how many times I’ve gone to detox. On one hand some people might say that’s not a bad thing, but sometimes I wish I could remember certain things…like the first time I met so many of the beautiful individuals I grew to become friends with. The vast majority of them are gone now, most before they even hit the age of 30 and I wish I could do a better job of memorializing all their unique personalities they way I want to and the way they deserve. I’m going to keep writing and hope the memories keep flowing the more I keep up with this shit.               For now, what I remember about my first ever time going to Gosnold is mainly two things - #1: I was scared out of my fucking mind, and #2: I finally felt like I had found my people. The ones who understood what it felt like to live in hell every day but have to keep it together for everyone else around you. They always seemed to come first and you always seemed to come last. The very firs
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