Letter to the one that holds my heart.

I’m going to be posting a video shortly about the ENTIRE story behind the custody battle I’ve been in for the last 11ish years for the first time publicly. There’s a lot going on right now, but for this post, what’s necessary to know is that I voluntarily enrolled in the Motherhood Program- a 12 week long course that only had one assignment which was to write a letter to your mother at the end. I was part of the 4th graduating class out of this county, and I learned more about myself than I could have ever guessed. I decided to also write a letter to my daughter, which is what you’re about to read. And when I do upload the video I mentioned, a lot of this letter will hit different.

Hey baby girl,

So for my mothering group, I had an assignment where I had to write Grandma a letter. But after that, it only felt right to write you a little one, too. I know you’ve probably heard it a bunch of times from my mouth but I’m saying it again - you are my miracle, my one and only love until the end of time…my Soloe Vida. I was a little young and naive when I had you, so in ways we definitely grew up together. But from the moment your eyes first met mine, I knew that no matter what, I would do anything to keep you safe and make sure you knew how precious you are to me. And while I meant all those things then just as much as I do now, I didn’t understand that my brain was just built differently… some wires got mixed up and it’s no one’s fault, nor could anyone have done anything to change that. 

My love for you kept me strong for a while, but after some time of dealing with Dad, I made the mistake of turning toward something I never would’ve thought could and would tear my whole life apart. I tried so hard to fight it Soloe, I would get so mad at myself for not being able to just stop it. That’s why I kept leaving - I was always trying to get back into programs that I knew would help me. I didn’t care how long it took me, I was determined to keep going until I finally got back to my normal self. You deserved that, you deserved the best mom in the world because you were so perfect and special. 

At the end of every one of my mother’s groups each week, all the moms go around in a circle and give examples of the “5 Golden Rules” and how they used each one with their kids that week. But I thought I’d just write down some of my favorite memories between us for each one so you can get a sense of how I feel. This is how we start: “As a Mother it is my responsibility to…”

1. Give Affection to my Children 

I’ve always tried to be affectionate with you because you were a very lovey baby/toddler. I used to love laying next to you in your bed, or in my bed, and feel your little arm reach across me to grab my hand with your little starfish hand. I used to just lay there long after you fell asleep, just listening to your breathing and smelling you. You always smelled so good to me. Tubby time was always one of my favorite things, too. I would sit on that toilet until my legs were completely numb just to hear your baby belly laugh. 

2. Give Gentle Guidance to my Children 

I never, ever wanted you to be scared of me, or scared to talk to me about anything so I always tried to make sure you knew even though we always had fun, we had to be aware of things like our surroundings, we had to behave in public places and follow the rules. You were always so smart, I knew you would understand most things if I just talked to you about it. I refused to spank you, and I hated time outs so once we got to the point where you could understand more, I always tried to guide you in the right direction, but also give you enough space to make some of your own choices.

3. Provide a Safe Home to my Children 

Other than that one apartment on Ackapesket that me, you, and Dad lived in, the house I provide is Grandma’s and we all know that’s about as safe as it gets. This summer with Frank was a really stupid thing to have happen, but I hope that I showed you no matter what I will do anything to make sure no one hurts you and if they do manage, I’ll make sure they know better than to ever come near you again.

4. Set a Proud Example for my Children by Having Self-Respect 

This was a difficult one to do all the time. Only because I was always wanting to help everybody else this summer, and no one that was around seemed to care about my well-being (or yours). So now I’ve really started limiting my friends to the small circle you know now because they all treat me and you with respect and that makes it easy for me to want to continue having more confidence in myself. It also helps me keep my boundaries up with Dad.

5. Live Within the Law and Without the Taint of Alcohol or Drug- Use 

Obviously we’ve talked about my struggles, but you kept me alive a lot more than you could ever know. Now I did it, and it’s been a long time since anything bad was happening and it feels good!!! I owe most of it to you my beautiful girl, I could never have done it for just myself. But I would swim across oceans, climb the highest mountains, fight off any big wild animal just to get to you. You are SPECIAL. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are WORTHY of nothing but love and happiness. I’m doing everything I can to win this fight for us, and you’ve been amazing through all of it. You are so strong and you don’t even know it yet.

I love you, my LaLoba. 

Mom